Another successful Santa Rampage was successfully inflicted
on the public on Saturday Dec 13. As usual we met at the
Twisted Spoke for pre-rampage activities and fortifications
of Mexican scrambled eggs, buckwheat pancakes and Pabst Blue
Ribbon. There were many eager first time Santas. They now
understand that a 10:00 starting time actually means 12:00
on Santa Time. Santas are not in a hurry and are often slow
or hung-over in the morning. There were many Santa costumes,
other costumes vaguely resembling Santa, and even a dreidel.
After fortifications, and entertaining the customers with
bawdy Christmas, carols, the Santas got on their two wheeled
sleighs and headed to their customary first stop, Binney's
liquor store, to purchase Old Style for the Santas and
Manishevitz wine for the dreidel to drink in the parking
lot. At the North Pole, it is customary to hang out in the
liquor store parking lot and drink. At Binney's, this is
apparently not true. The custom is to drive a big car,
maneuver it with great difficulty around the parking lot and
then leave hitting Santas with your car on the way out, and
generally act very bewildered that there are a bunch of
Santas on bikes hanging around and drinking in the parking
lot. One person drove his car out and gently hit one Santa's
bike just to get him out of the way. Then he opened his
window and said, "Would Santa be able to move out of the
way?" Santas then told him how unpolite he was in so many
words. He then drives away without a care in the world.
After about 20 minutes a gentleman from the store comes out
and asks us to leave. That was OK since we were ready to
leave anyway and we are used to getting kicked out of
places.
Santas are naturally drawn to Michigan Avenue. At first
glance this seems to be a very lively place. There are
thousands and thousands of people walking around, and they
are all cheering and waving and taking pictures of the
Cycling Santas. The streets are full of mostly busses and
taxis, and very few cars. We then realize that the only
reason each and every one of them is even there is to buy a
bunch of crap for Christmas. We realize that they actually
park their big cars and SUV's somewhere and when they are
done, they load up all of their crap in their car and drive
away with a big dead tree on their roof. Santas don't
understand why people chop down a tree and what this has to
do with Christmas at all and tell them so. We then mock them
by telling them to "Buy More Crap," "Scary Christmas,"
"Christ Died So You Can Shop," and other such comments. Most
of them are amused and just take our pictures. Santas don't
like their pictures taken and usually give them the finger
during it.
Santas prefer other activities and really like the street
musicians, and hang out and sing and dance and entertain the
crowds for Christmas and think these are preferable customs.
We then went to Water Tower Place simply to check out one of
these places that all of the people go to buy crap for
Christmas. We go in and wander around and are treated rudely
and then a security guard confronts us and gets on some
mysterious device that he carries around to call more
security guards. We are escorted out by about eleven of
them. We then go to our bikes to leave and are confronted by
the police. The police then collect all of our beer cans and
take them away. They dump the open ones on plants. Santas
don't understand why people mistreat plants and trees so
much. At the North Pole, we would treat plants and trees
with great respect if there were any. Here, their only
purpose is to be chopped down for some reason for Christmas
or to make bags to carry around all the crap the people buy.
We also don't understand why the police have the authority
to take our beer away. They mentioned some violation of Code
#850 or something. We don't understand such codes.
The next stop was across the street at Victoria's Secret
where the Santa's gathered to look at the underwear in the
window. Then Mrs. Tall-Bike Santa climbs a tree and shows
everyone her underwear. Everybody enjoyed that.
After that, we get on our bikes and mill around. We are
frustrated that on Michigan Avenue it seems that you can buy
anything on earth except for beer, and that is all we need.
One Santa then notices our confiscated beer in a trashcan.
Santas then gleefully go to the garbage can to retrieve the
beer, only to be thwarted again by the police who make us
throw it away again and threaten to arrest us for some
ridiculous reason.
The next stop is the WGN Radio station. This is apparently
the most popular radio station in Chicago. Santas think it
is a good idea to get on the radio to spread the word about
Santa Rampage. When we get there they immediately interrupt
their god-awful boring talk show and report to the world
about the Cycling Santas and what a scene it is. They are
fascinated and talk to us and ask what it is all about.
Santas report that the police stole their beer and this is
an absolute outrage. They ask us some more questions and
then they shut us off for some reason. They seemed to be
worried that this doesn't fit into their programming format
or something. We then listen for a couple of minutes to
their radio show and then leave, wondering why anyone on
earth would even listen to that dreadful station anyway.
Our last stop was at Marshall Fields on State Street. As
always, we were treated with great joy from all of the
people shopping, the children, all of the employees and
sales people who give us candy and take our pictures and
love the Santas. We wonder why some places around Michigan
Ave, are so uptight and want to arrest us and kick us out
and hit us with their cars, and why some places, like the
stores on State Street love the Santa Rampage. But this is
the essence of the Santa Rampage.
Until next year,
ho ho ho.
- Santa
