On December 18, 2004, a record number of Santa's participated in the 2004 Santa Rampage. Perhaps, or perhaps not influenced by the extraordinary amount of pre-rampage publicity in the Chicago Tribune, Bicycling Magazine, Chicago Sun-Times, and the Third Coast Press, about 30 Santas a couple of elves, and a dreidel amassed at the Twisted Spoke to prepare for the most successful Rampage to date.

As usual, a variety of Santoid creatures gathered to partake in the festivities. There were some brand new Santas in their brand-spanking new Santa suits, that they perhaps bought or ripped off from some commercial establishment. There were several grungy old Santa's with seasoned yet decrepit but still functional beer and blood stained suits. Arty Santas with their costumes from the Civic Opera, as well as some flunky elves who were at times treated as subordinates and sexually harassed by some Santas. There was even a dreidel with an immobile, boxy dreidel costume riding a tall bike. Mr. Dreidel should give some anti-bicycle safety classes with that get-up. A welcome addition this year was the Grinch, a fine addition to the Santa Rampage.

We indulged in pre-Rampage fortifications of Mexican scrambled eggs, beer, shots of whiskey, and Bloody Mary's garnished with meat and cheese. After treating the patrons with naughty carols, the Rampage was off to its first stop, the Goose Island Brewery.

Santas were treated to a glorious treat of free freshly brewed beer at the closed up Goose Island Brewery. A generous employee graciously welcomed the misfit group to imbibe in free beer at the otherwise closed down brewery. Santas were clearly in their element here. This resembled the factory at the North Pole where we all make our toys with the assembly lines, forklifts and palettes. Except at the North Pole, Santas have to make a bunch of toys and crap, but here, the only product was beer. Santas clearly reveled in this environment with unlimited beer available and gawked and were amazed at the beer making process and generally behaved themselves and didn't destroy too many things.

After this, the Santas mounted their two-wheeled sleighs, and mini-elf on his tiny bike, then started the Rampage proper to the traditional Binny's liquor store stop, since the limited time at the brewery wasn't really enough. This is the place where Santas can buy beer, and the dreidel can buy Manishevitz wine to begin the Rampage. All sorts of beverages can be acquired at this place, and there are free samples of wine and liquor to taste while we are purchasing fortifications. Santas eagerly lined up for these free samples. The proprietors of Binney's were giving the Santa's a hard time. "Are you going to buy something or just annoy the customers?", said the nasty grinch owner. Santa's made it clear that they were going to do both, and he seemed to calm down a little bit. Some of the nice ladies that handed out free samples of wine and booze seemed to have their panties in a bunch asking Santas for ID to prove their age. Santas replied,"Don't you remember me when I went down your chimney when you were a child and gave you presents? I am much older than you, show me your ID." The nice employees realized that they were way off base and then provided the free samples.

After this, the Santas rampaged up and down Michigan Ave. for quite a spell. This is the major destination where the Santas gather. We were welcomed by thousands and thousands of Christmas shoppers. Throngs of people who joyously greeted the amazing scene of bicycling Santas. Thousands of pictures were taken of the Santas by the throngs with their newly acquired camera-cell phone devices. The throngs were generally greeted by the Santas with a finger, a request not to take pictures or various ambivalent greetings such as a harsh bullhorn announcement such as 'Merry Fucking Christmas, or Buy More Crap." Or a happy Merry Christmas greeting. It just depends on Santa's mood at the time. There were several police officers that we encountered during the rampage. The Chicago police officers seem a little stuck up and anal-retentive compared to the police officers at the North Pole. At the North Pole, there are no rules against public drinking, smoking weed, blocking traffic, offensive language, sexual harassment and public fornication and urination. However, with the absolute joy that we inflicted among the throngs of Christmas shoppers and Santa Rampage fans, they seemed to give Santas a free pass at this.

Santas then gathered at the new multi-billion Millennium Park to regale the audiences with some bawdy Christmas carols. Although the tourists, shoppers and Santa lovers greatly enjoyed the entertainment, Santas were eventually escorted out of the park by the Grinch security guards.

After that we went to the traditional haven of State Street. At Carson Pierre Scott, the Santas were very welcome and rode up and down the escalators singing bawdy carols, and consummated the mission of Santa Rampage by greeting the "Real Santa," to the joy of all of the children.

Santas rapped up the Rampage at the Santa friendly Billy Goat Tavern, where we drank brown Schlitz and entertained the patrons by dancing on the bar and having dollar bills stuffed in Santas belts by the overly excited patrons.

All and all, a successful Rampage, by a record number of bicycling Santas, spreading the true meaning of Christmas.

Ho,
-Santa