Chicago IL, Dec. 14, 2002
Another successful Santa Rampage was inflicted among the unsuspecting
throngs of holiday shoppers in Downtown Chicago on Saturday afternoon.
As usual, the festivities began at the Twisted Spoke, a Santa tolerant
establishment. From here, the Santas met and gathered. We
were designated to the back of the restaurant to prevent excessive co-mingling
with the other patrons. A variety of Santas as well as a couple of
elves and a dreidel gathered and then fortified themselves for the upcoming
rampage with bourbon and ale and Mexican scrambled eggs. About 2
dozen Santas gathered. There were a variety of Santas, decent looking
Santas, disheveled Santas, grungy Santas, Mrs. Santas, a mop-bearded Santa,
a disturbing European Santa, and even an Asian Santa for cripes sake.
After the gathering and assembling of costumes, we were entertained by
Guitar Santa and Ukulele Santa with a smattering of traditional Christmas
carols with alternative lyrics. After completing our fortifications,
we then pressed the limits of decency with our traditional bawdy farewell
carol, "Deck My Balls!" to the delight or disgust of the other patrons.
Quickly the Santas disembarked from the building to get on our two wheeled
sleighs.
We then mounted a variety of two wheeled sleighs to embark on the rampage.
There were sleighs festooned in tinsel and ornaments, rat and chopper sleighs,
and even a sharp metal rocket sleigh. What a weapon of mass destruction,
it even frightened the most hardened of Santas. There was even a
penny farthing sleigh to add a much needed touch of elegance and class
to the motley crew of Santas.
The first stop was Binny's liquor store. This is no ordinary liquor
store with people outside bumming change, and signs in the parking lot
that say no loitering or drinking alcoholic beverages. This was a
high class establishment with Jaguars, BMW's, and a bunch of SUV's and
even bigger behemoths parked in the small lot. The Santas took over
the lot, and were able to procure cases of Old Style and bourbon to supplement
the rampage. The Santas were able to loiter in the lot, occasionally
moving out of the way of the other patrons with comments offered about
their transportation choices.
From this point the rampage proper began. At all points in the
streets, the rampage was greeted by throngs of pedestrians with gigantic
smiles, waving and cheering the spectacle. The cheering pedestrians
were greeted with a variety of responses from the Santas, ranging from
surly to overtly polite. Sometimes they were greeted with a curt
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" Cell phone users were inexplicably
told to "GET OFF THE PHONE" Sometimes an ambivalent greeting such
as "MERRY CHRISTMAS ALREADY" was offered. Sometimes a a very cheerful
"HAPPY HOLIDAYS" or "MERRY CHRISTMAS" was offered. Sometimes the
Santas were besides themselves with glee and adoration towards the spectators.
They were greeeted with a hearty "HO HO HO", or maybe simply with just
"HO"! The variety of greetings were offered seemingly randomly by
the very labile moods of the Santas. The spectators were in turn
elated or bewildered! Pedestrian Santa rampage audiences were
granted a very mixed response, SUV or Hummer driving Santa rampage audience
members were particulary singled out for admonishment by two wheeled sleigh
riding Santas.
People often wonder about the purpose or message of Santa Rampage.
There isn't one, but anybody who is not a Santa is a potential target.
Pedestrians and shoppers are beloved or scorned, depending on Santa's mood.
Cars are tolerated or admonished, depending on Santa's mood. Laws
are broken or ignored with free will. Even inanimate objects are
targets. Expressways and certain establishments were met with particular
scorn by surly Santas. Even fellow cyclists were warmly greeted,
but admonished for not being a Santa. Even within the Santa Rampage
ranks, certain Santa costumes were ridiculed, or questions arose as to
the difference between elves and fairies. Everything is a target for
Santa Rampage.
The next stop was Navy Pier, where we thrilled the children and tourists
with the Santa spectacle. After many Santas tested their maneuvering
skills riding up the ramp, we were quickly infiltrated by security guards
requesting our quick exit from the premises.
The next stop was the notoriously Santa unfriendly Water Tower Place.
In past rampages, we were quickly thwarted from this unfriendly Santa establishment
right when entering the main entrance. This time a back door Santa
entrance was attempted with better success. After successfully infiltrating
several floors of Water Tower Place, we were met with unfriendly security
guards. First one, then a few, and then a whole SWAT team of unfriendly
security guards escorting us from the premises. Nobody can enter
Water Tower in a costume, or hand out pamphlets. What a vague, unconstitutional
law that is. The Santas were forcibly escorted out. The security
guards had advance notice of the impending infiltration of Santas perhaps
from previous attempts at the same time in previous years. They were
all notified of possibility of a Santa invasion, and were on red alert.
I am so glad that our homeland security system is working! so well!
From this point, we spent a lot of time rampaging up and down Michigan
Ave. Approximately 80,000 people took our picture much to the dismay
of most of the Santas. We prefer to not have our picture taken.
But they ignored us and took pictures anyway. The throngs loved us.
They gazed unbelievably at the Penny Farthing Santa, they asked to spin
the dreidel. They were greeted by mixed messages such as "MERRY CHRISTMAS",
"BUY MORE CRAP", and other loving or demeaning comments. They were
greeted with cheers and jeers from the Santas, and maybe a stream of beer
from an Old Style can.
The crowds were entertained by Trick Santa standing up on his bike,
and Inebriated Santa skillfully crashing into newspaper vending machines.
The next stop was a much needed break at the new ice skating rink at
the Millennium park. After so much rampaging, the Santas needed a rest,
beer and cigarette break. We dismounted the sleighs, and infiltrated
the skating rink area. This was a time for Santas to relax and unwind.
Ukulele and Guitar Santa entertained the crowds. Male Santas 6 at
a time relieved their overextended bladders at the public restroom with
a hearty Ho, Ho, Ho. The throngs asked for pictures with the Santas.
Panhandling Santa picked up some spare change. Pervert Santa molested
his mistress. Pedestrians were given an ample supply of Santa Propaganda
pamphlets. Kids were given cigarettes by generous Santas.
Some Santas infiltrated the ice rink, and were quickly escorted out of
the rink after one rampage lap. Santas had to move on.
The next stop was Carson Pierre Scott on State Street. A notoriously
Santa friendly place. As in years past, we were able to infiltrate
the store and rampage freely up and down the escalators and elevators,
sing carols without any confrontation. We searched for the real Santa,
however he was on his reindeer feeding break. We were able to entertain
the children, and fill in for the real Santa.
Cycling Santas were greeted with much cheer by all employees and customers
and security. All Santas were delighted by the positivity in this
store and vowed to do all of our shopping there.
After this, we went to the Tribune tower, where WGN radio does their
show in a window facing the street. The DJ was doing his show and
obviously checking out all of the Santas on the street. He then said,
"Well we see almost everything on Michigan Avenue, but we have never seen
anything like this." He then asked some of the Santas questions like
what group we belonged to and what we are promoting. Santas were
cryptic in their responses. No agenda at all. Christmas Cycle
Rampage is fun. No group, no promotion. The DJ was bewildered.
After this, there were a couple of cars in the Tribune area being given
away as promotions that were sexually assaulted by some Santas ala the
Saturday Night Live skit.
The rampage ended up at the Billy Goat Tavern, another Santa tolerant
establishment. We were given the VIP room. Santas got to unwind
and remove some of their sweaty reeking attire and eat some cheezborgors
and drink brown Shlitz.
All and all, a sucessful rampage, and to all a good night.
